I have an incredibly hard time
listening to my wife. There, now I've said it. I am your
stereotypical guy. She's just talking and talking away, and I might
as well be on the other side of the planet for all the care I'm
giving her. Except I'm not. I'm
sitting right next to her on the couch, after just telling her how
much I want to have a talk with her.
What's
my deal? Why do I set her up for such an obvious frustration? What
reasonable man would walk willingly into that trap—devaluing the
biggest thing that
women prize in relationships?
I am one of the
estimated 3-5% of the population diagnosed with Attention Deficit
Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Personally,
I've opted for the more energetic variety that so completely
entertained my teachers. I'm a fidgiter, and I would tap out desk-top
drum solos like a
10-year
old Neil Peart. I'm also one of the eight million of sufferers who
didn't outgrow the problem.1
While this issue
has been on the books since the 1970's—actually well before, but in
terms of its contemporary understanding the 70's work—something
interesting is happening in the Self-Help section of bookstores
everywhere. People have started to figure out that some of the first
generations of kids diagnosed with these disorders are grown up.
They're getting married and having kids, and many of them are still
dealing with the same issues that made getting through a day at
school an unending struggle.
I'm not sure if my wife knew I have
ADHD when we were married in 2008. For a long time, I felt that I had
things under control. Frankly, I had never considered that it was
something I'd have to handle when I was older. Life has gotten along
just fine so far, after all. I've managed, I suppose. It's in our
relationship that I now see the biggest strain, and it's starting to
draw my attention to the many ways I might not be getting on so well
after all.
Communication is important to any
relationship. I would argue it's more important to my wife than to
anyone else on the planet. She thrives on intense, intricate,
philosophical, and difficult discussions. I like them too, and that's
one of the reasons we're good for each other. We share absolutely as
much as possible, and use each other to push ourselves to grow and to
better one another.
You can see then, why it drives her
crazy when in mid-sentence, I'm suddenly not there.
I can't even describe what it's like
accurately. Because, when she tells me I'm not listening, the first
thing I remember is that I was
listening. “She can't possibly be mad at me this time, I'm sitting
right here looking at her!”
The trouble is, she's right—sometimes I couldn't repeat the
sentence she'd interrupted to ask me whether I was listening. Then
you have to look back, and try to figure out where you went astray.
You have to try to explain it, to make it feel like less of a
personal attack against her. Good luck.
One
problem is that it seems as though I can focus alright on things I
want—sex, for an easy
example—but when she needs me to share in her
interests, it's a constant struggle. The real internal trouble for me
is that I am a caring
guy, and I'm genuinely interested in what she has to share with me.
My struggle with ADHD becomes one of self-worth when I can't help but
feel that I'm just not a very good husband. It's especially
terrifying to think there simply may not be much I can do about it.
Tons of websites
and books have popped up; a cottage industry of coping. The trouble
is, there don't seem to be 5 Easy Steps to solve all your problems
with ADHD. I'm willing to bet that people who regularly go out
looking for “steps” in any situation rarely, if ever, find them.
That's because life doesn't operate along a systematic series of
steps for success.
The way to deal
with this issue, like so many others (short of medication), is with
patience and understanding. And it can't just be one partner's
problem. I can't make all the necessary changes to ensure that my
wife never feels negatively affected by my condition.
I'm going to fail
her. Probably often. It's a miracle that she loves me anyway.
For me, this is a
problem that becomes worse the more I'm made aware of it. When she
points out my horrible track record of remembering to do simple
things or follow through on chores I said I'd take care of, it only
makes me more distracted. I get angry, at myself, mostly, but I also
feel judged and a little humiliated. Every now and then she'll do it
in front of our friends, not out of malice, but simply because she
may not be thinking just how serious this can feel to me. It's not
like either one of us are consistent in how we act with regards to
each other.
Maybe there are a
few steps to follow. 1) Remember that you love each other no matter
what. 2) Remember that sometimes things will be hard. Sometimes
things will be downright intolerable. 3) Remember that you can only
be responsible for how you act and how you respond, and choose not to
make the problems worse when they arise. 4) Recognize that there is a
problem, and that you're both doing your best. 5) Remind each other
of all the good things you do for one another, rather than focusing
on the few times when one partner falls short.
Rinse and repeat.
1Anxiety
and Depression Association of America. (2012). Adult ADHD.
Retrieved August 18, 2012, from
http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/adult-adhd
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